it all began for us on tuesday 17th october. i was in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s tiny peugeot, both of us too lanky for the minimal leg-space, but too poor and unbothered to do anything about a much needed car upgrade. it had technically started five months prior to this, we were just blissfully unaware. two days previous to this car journey had been danny’s 30th birthday. he’d stood on a bar screaming the lyrics to sugar we’re goin’ down into a microphone, before throwing up all over the floor and disappearing. meanwhile i was tilting my head back while the bartender poured a bottle of shots down my throat, and excitedly telling my friends that danny had hinted at wanting to propose to me soon. everyone squealed. i was SO grown up.
so, the peugeot, the cramped legs, the tuesday afternoon journey into university for some insufferable group project. then the phone call from the doctor, telling me my results had come back and yes, actually i was pregnant. just like that, over the phone. no, they aren’t supposed to do that, but they also aren’t supposed to leave you in the dark for five months about your undiagnosed illness which is actually, surprise, a baby! of course you feel sick ma’am, you’re growing a human being inside of you. the leaky nipples? you didn’t need to google-diagnose yourself with a rare type of cancer, your boobs are just preparing to feed a little milk demon in a few months. tummy feels hard? that would be the baby shield*. stomach ‘dropping’? baby kicking. vitamin d and iron deficiencies? baby sucking the life out of you. you get the picture. i had finally found out why i had been a broken shell of a woman since june. thank god! i’m not ill! i just have to push a baby out of my vagina in a few months, and then raise it, feed it, revolve my life around it for the next 18* or so years. brilliant! really glad about that one.
i wish i could say i’m joking, but this blog is about honesty, and that is honestly how i felt. of course it’s how i felt. i’d just found out i was five months pregnant, after spending my summer drinking, living off fries & getting bald patches because i was so vitamin deficient. i quite literally couldn’t look after myself, never mind somebody else. i had just started my third year of uni, i had never hung out with a real life baby, i got awkward whenever children even looked in my direction. i was absolutely petrified. i was furious with every single doctor i had dealt with in the past few months. i was annoyed at myself for not being more careful. i was terrified at the thought of labour & birth. i was everything except happy for a couple of hours.
danny, bless him, was trying to keep it together for both of us like he always is. “this is fine”, “everything’s okay”, and “we can do this” were said on rotation for about an hour while we drove around aimlessly, the look on his face telling me he didn’t believe any of those things to be true.
we ended up in morrisons. we had been there the week before, and i had seen a pumpkin onesie in the baby section that i adored. (oh yes, i had been broody for months. which suddenly made sense). i’d wistfully told danny that when we had a baby, we’d dress them up every day in stupid outfits and costumes, and they’d be cute as heck.
so, on that pivotal day, danny bought us the onesie. and immediately, all the negative feelings got pushed away. they didn’t leave completely – i was still aware i had to tell my mum about all of this, we had to figure out money, we had to move in together – but they were pushed to the side by this bloody pumpkin onesie.
i had the feelings most people would have built up for five months, suddenly dawn on me all at once. we were having a BABY. a little human that was half me, half my best friend. that is the coolest fucking thing i could have ever imagined. we were going to raise a little person, until he’s a big person. bigger than me, probably, if danny is anything to go by (6’5″ is all fun and games until it gets you pregnant). our little unit was evolving from a two to a three. we would be the ones to teach this kid everything, to be there for every milestone of his life, to love him as much as we love each other.
it was a pretty intense day, really. i didn’t think it was possible to feel so many emotions in such a short space of time, but there we have it. if you’re wondering how on earth i went for five months not realising i was pregnant, i did a video on it over on my youtube channel.
*let’s be real, these days you aren’t getting rid of your kid until 30, minimum