i mean, today remy turns six months old, so that’s what five months postpartum feels like. it’s being an entire month behind on life, and just winging it as you go. for real though, i wish i had started these monthly updates from the start because each month there is a whole new hill to climb (or mountain, or volcano). month one i was bleeding out of every orifice (okay, only one), never sleeping, never eating, only expressing and crying. month two was when i started to get the hang of the whole mum thing, and then my knees decided to give up on me so it hurt to walk/stand/sit/exist. month three, i got engaged and nobody cared because BABY. month four, i realised i had put on 15lbs since having remy, and decided i should do something about that. what i ended up doing was eating literally an entire share bag of chocolate to myself at least once a day, and put on a further 10lbs. and then month five. the month i set up my blog, filmed one (1) youtube video, got back in touch with friends, started exercising, and tried to get my life back a bit.
it’s just… really fucking hard. i feel like such a nobhead saying this because remy sleeps for 11 hours every night, and i get 7-8 hours sleep most nights which is more than a lot of new parents, i know this, but i am just so bloody tired. always! i have never accidentally fallen asleep on the sofa so much in my life. i’m not entirely sure what it is that’s leaving me feeling so drained, but my distinct lack of energy is making it very hard to get anything done at the moment. and the problem is, i can no longer pull the “i just had a baby card”. i told myself i could consume 4000 calories a day and do nothing except watch netflix because i was a new mum!! self care!! treat yourself!! but really, months of doing nothing has left me super sluggish and even though my brain is ready to fucking go, go write fifty blog posts, go research for my dissertation, go work out my tiny muscles – my body is saying no. and i am really bloody struggling to know where to begin or how to fix this rut i’ve found myself in, as it is making me miserablé.
even this post is a half-hearted, forced attempt at doing something productive, so apologies if you have been kind enough to read it and are now left sorely disappointed. you are just a pawn in my selfish game, but thanks 4 the views.
on a nicer note, the mum side of me is doing great five months down the line. my body is all healed up, except my poor crippled knees. (in fact, quick side note, i genuinely think if my knees would just work the way a regular 21 year olds knees are supposed to, i would probably be feeling pretty excellent mental health-wise right now. i think my knees are the cause of all my pain).
i am in such a good place with remy right now. i spent our first few months together admiring his and danny’s relationship, because damn it is a beautiful thing and i think it always will be. it was lovely to watch, but i couldn’t help but feel pretty left out of it all. nobody’s fault, i just didn’t take to motherhood as naturally as i had hoped, and remy didn’t seem to have that instant connection with me that he did with danny. but as of the last month or so, he actually seems to like me! which sounds absolutely fucking ridiculous, i’m aware, but if you’re a mum who has ever felt like your child isn’t really that fond of you, you’ll know how quietly heartbreaking it is, and so it’s really nice that we’re playing together a lot more these days, and i can make him laugh and stuff. it’s making the days danny is at work a loooot more enjoyable.
anyway, sorry for this shit show of a post. i’m trying to stop over-thinking my blog content and just post a lot more regularly while i’m getting into the swing of things. i can be a perfectionist about it all later, perhaps, but right now i just need to keep busy and be productive and i think this is going to help! thanks 4 reading x